Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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