Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
