My room smells like vodka and shame
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
please don't ironically join a cult
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