I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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