The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
