can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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