Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
