Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
