Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
