I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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