Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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