Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
