I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
