Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
