He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
