My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
