I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
So much Jack, so little girl.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize