Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
