I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
