walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
