you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
