who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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