i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
i think my cat just said my name.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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