We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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