Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
