Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
We need to get me chipped asap
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
