based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
