I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
