Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Randomize
