PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
