Joe is yelling at the trees again.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
