I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
