Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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