I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
