maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
