oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize