and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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