I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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