did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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