Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
