I can tuck mytits in my pants
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Hippo gnu deer
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize