Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
