Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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