On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
