Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
