when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
