so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
