Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
