JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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