My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize