You kept calling me your small dog last night.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
