she woke up with a sticky ear
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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