Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
