Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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