You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
