my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
