All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
