Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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