This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
