i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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