I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
