Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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