Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
