he puts the penis in happiness.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
