i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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