Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
