Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
