I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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