i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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