Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
