When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
