i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
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