Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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