I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
