i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
