I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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