There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
