at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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