my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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