Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
