either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
